What a great night and day!
So halfway through work last night, EJ texts me to say he's no longer going to make it out with me after work to the Lost Horizon to see Ledyard. He got asked to bounce at a bar for his friend and said yes. No big deal to me -- I can pretty much go to any local rock show and know half the crowd, and Dawnie was already planning to be there, so I just told her I'd meet up with her after work -- time dependent, as usual.
Well for the FIRST TIME EVER, our restaurant was CLEARED OUT by 9:30pm. We don't even stop SERVING until 11pm on Saturdays, usually it's Midnight or later before I can leave. We were cleaning at 10, and at 11 we were already punching out! I got to the Lost at 20 after, and Dawn and I had a GREAT TIME!!! We got to hang with Steve who owned The Amp in Elmira, who of course started buying straight Jager shots and I lost count, which is probbaly a good thing :-) Ledyard was OUTSTANDING as always, and they played 2 Brand New Sin tunes at the end, which of course was the perfect ending to a perfect show. I love those guys!
Went home, cozied into my bed, and EJ was here before I knew it -- we passed out as soon as we hit the pillows, and slept like babies.
This morning, Adriana came back from her 10-Day vacation and EJ and I took her to the Parkway all day. We spread out a blanket, she crawled around and over us, we ate picnic-y food and Adriana was an angel. We threw her in the stroller and took a nice walk.... grabbed turkey subs on the way home and the 3 of us ate an early dinner when we got back. As if it wasn't a perfrect enough day, I put her down in her crib for a nap while EJ and I took one in my bed -- but she woke up, so I grabbed her and brought her into my room -- and she passed clean out while crawling around EJ and I, so all 3 of us passed back out in my bed. It was just such a calm, warm and wonderfully relaxing day with my 2 favorite people.
It also marks the end of my recent hatred for my body.
You can stand there and say "Oh you don't look like you had a baby this year!" or "Oh you look so great! You're almost as thin as you used to be!"
But it's actually NOT TRUE. I am good at dressing myself, it has ALWAYS been something I've excelled at. I wear clothes that flatter me as well as they possibly can. But truth be told, I'm EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY UNHAPPY with the way I look. I've never had a belly, which I am constantly trying to hide, tuck in, suck in, etc...... it's bigger than anyone probably knows, because I hide it well. My arms are too big for the sleeves of most of my Tshirts. My thighs don't fit in ONE PAIR OF PANTS from before my pregnancy, nor does my ass.
I pulled out my 2 big trunks full of Summer Clothes today and there is probably 2 Grand worth of clothes I could wear if only it fit me. I'M NOT BUYING A WHOLE SUMMER WARDROBE IN THE SIZE I AM RIGHT NOW!!! I can't afford it anyhow. But LAST YEAR'S summer clothes are, thankfully, way too big... because I had JUST had a baby. It's been almost a year now -- so I'm stuck in the Winter's Clothes until I get rid of the rest of this weight. Unfortunately I have about 18 extra pounds STILL ON ME. It's always that last few pounds that is hardest to lose (The first 52 wasn't really hard, I didn't really do much. It took a year, but I didn't do much at all).
So starting TOMORROW (every good diet plan starts on a Monday, right?) I'm all done. I hate dieting and I'll be honest, I hate working out, too. But I'm going to do both until I can get back into my Summer Pre-Pregnancy clothes.
So bear with me, I might be a bit on the bitchy side for a few weeks. I'm thinking by the end of May I'll be all done. Lucky for me (and hopefully this still holds true), after I work out for a while my metabolism raises and I have always been able to resume normal eating at some point in the future. Of course, I'm going on 29... my whole body could've changed at this point... let's hope not!
I do feel good about it though, the hardest part is STARTING. Once I start I'm usually good with continuing. If I can get through, say, 2 weeks, I'll be Golden.
So anyhow -- GREAT weekend, GREAT feeling about finally feeling good about myself, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT!
And Friday EJ is taking me to NYC to see the Mets play the Braves!
INCREDIBLE!
:-)
Feroni, OUT!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
Chapter 35 - No Big Deal to You...
... because SO many people (I think MOST PEOPLE) already know what it's like to find the person who compliments your life in exactly the right way.
But I DIDN'T!!! So it's a big deal to me!
I spent the majority of every relationship I've ever had trying to either CREATE the perfect man out of someone who lacked in so many areas -- or trying to remind myself that I was just lucky to have SOMEONE and I should stop wanting more and settle.
I am in SHOCK that I wake up every day with someone who adds to my life EXACTLY what it was my life may have needed. I'm the boringest blogger in cyberspace right now, because I'm so often just plain old HAPPY and content and satisfied, that I have no cool stuff to rant and rave about. Well I do, but the minute I fall into those arms I forget whatever I was upset about.
No one has that power. My dad may have had it when I was little, but when I'm upset I AM EFFING UPSET. He has the power to make it go away.
Don't get me wrong, there are shitty things in my life. I'm still waiting for Albany to get me the Amended Birth Certificate so I can start the Child Support Process. That will blow. I am in the midst of filing a 656 with the IRS to get out of a hefty debt I accrued with them. I'm waiting for that to be resolved to get a job with higher pay -- which I desperately need -- so I'm super stressed about money right now. And my mom is moving back to Illinois tomorrow, which will no doubt have me in tears tomorrow. She'll be back soon though I have a feeling. My mom was my babysitter, so I'm going to lose my Wednesdays at work until my sister comes home May 18th from college... that will suck. But that's really it. Everything else is wonderful. I can't complain much these days.
It's just so awesome just being in love with someone who loves me the exact same magnitude. I've yet to feel this and I'm 28. It has always been one person loving the other much more completely than the other (it has worked out both ways, but always heavier on one person's side)... but this, this reciprocal, requited, returned love... this is the best thing I have ever felt in my entire LIFE (next to the love of my daughter which is in a completely different category).
I'll shut up now.
Until I get pissed off at something, then I'll be back. :-)
Feroni -- OUT!
But I DIDN'T!!! So it's a big deal to me!
I spent the majority of every relationship I've ever had trying to either CREATE the perfect man out of someone who lacked in so many areas -- or trying to remind myself that I was just lucky to have SOMEONE and I should stop wanting more and settle.
I am in SHOCK that I wake up every day with someone who adds to my life EXACTLY what it was my life may have needed. I'm the boringest blogger in cyberspace right now, because I'm so often just plain old HAPPY and content and satisfied, that I have no cool stuff to rant and rave about. Well I do, but the minute I fall into those arms I forget whatever I was upset about.
No one has that power. My dad may have had it when I was little, but when I'm upset I AM EFFING UPSET. He has the power to make it go away.
Don't get me wrong, there are shitty things in my life. I'm still waiting for Albany to get me the Amended Birth Certificate so I can start the Child Support Process. That will blow. I am in the midst of filing a 656 with the IRS to get out of a hefty debt I accrued with them. I'm waiting for that to be resolved to get a job with higher pay -- which I desperately need -- so I'm super stressed about money right now. And my mom is moving back to Illinois tomorrow, which will no doubt have me in tears tomorrow. She'll be back soon though I have a feeling. My mom was my babysitter, so I'm going to lose my Wednesdays at work until my sister comes home May 18th from college... that will suck. But that's really it. Everything else is wonderful. I can't complain much these days.
It's just so awesome just being in love with someone who loves me the exact same magnitude. I've yet to feel this and I'm 28. It has always been one person loving the other much more completely than the other (it has worked out both ways, but always heavier on one person's side)... but this, this reciprocal, requited, returned love... this is the best thing I have ever felt in my entire LIFE (next to the love of my daughter which is in a completely different category).
I'll shut up now.
Until I get pissed off at something, then I'll be back. :-)
Feroni -- OUT!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Chapter 34a - Mariah, My Belle
She was on Oprah and I DVR'd it and just watched it now. She has been my ultimate Idol since her very first single was released when I was like an 11 year old aspiring songstress. I have bought her every CD, followed her every move, I liked Glitter and own it -- but she is such a great person and all some people see is that stupid Breakdown she had a few years ago. AS IF ANYONE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE HER.
She lost a SHIT TON of WEIGHT and she was talking about how, and doing impressions of her little French Chef Patricia -- she was a riot. She's so funny, and personable. She has the best Personality. The woman still answers her own Fan Mail for God's sake. Most celebrities would NEVER do that. She's like 38 years old but you'd NEVER know it. She looks like 40 Million Dollars.
And she had more weight on her the last couple of years than she used to, and I thought she looked great -- but everyone was up her ass about loosing it! I HATE PEOPLE sometimes! So she said she finally gave in to the pressure and just lost it. She said she's good at it. She's in a positive frame of mind, she is so happy, and it shows. I'm actually so happy for someone I don't even know.
And then she sang. And my eyes teared up, as they always do when that voice leaves her body. I'll be honest it wasn't a great song but she's Mariah Carey and in that voice she could sing my Grocery List and it's a hit.
She just broke Elvis's record for most hits, ever. THAT'S my girl. People can say she's crazy all they want but you can't deny that her voice and her talent surpasses that of most other singers of our time. Oprah is actually really comical herself -- it was a great interview. I saved it. I'll watch it again when I need motivation.
She's the best. And once again -- it comes out tomorrow -- I'll be there to buy her next Album. No matter how much it might suck. Because, well, it might. They all haven't been great. But whatever. She just passed ELvis for Most Hits Ever -- she can suck as much as she wants!!!
Feroni. OUT.
She lost a SHIT TON of WEIGHT and she was talking about how, and doing impressions of her little French Chef Patricia -- she was a riot. She's so funny, and personable. She has the best Personality. The woman still answers her own Fan Mail for God's sake. Most celebrities would NEVER do that. She's like 38 years old but you'd NEVER know it. She looks like 40 Million Dollars.
And she had more weight on her the last couple of years than she used to, and I thought she looked great -- but everyone was up her ass about loosing it! I HATE PEOPLE sometimes! So she said she finally gave in to the pressure and just lost it. She said she's good at it. She's in a positive frame of mind, she is so happy, and it shows. I'm actually so happy for someone I don't even know.
And then she sang. And my eyes teared up, as they always do when that voice leaves her body. I'll be honest it wasn't a great song but she's Mariah Carey and in that voice she could sing my Grocery List and it's a hit.
She just broke Elvis's record for most hits, ever. THAT'S my girl. People can say she's crazy all they want but you can't deny that her voice and her talent surpasses that of most other singers of our time. Oprah is actually really comical herself -- it was a great interview. I saved it. I'll watch it again when I need motivation.
She's the best. And once again -- it comes out tomorrow -- I'll be there to buy her next Album. No matter how much it might suck. Because, well, it might. They all haven't been great. But whatever. She just passed ELvis for Most Hits Ever -- she can suck as much as she wants!!!
Feroni. OUT.
Chapter 34 - Narcissistic Revelation
Not the quintessential Revelations I usually have that are thought-provoking and enlightening. No. The kind that is all about me. Gotta' have those moments sometimes. Ahem:
I think I'm going to.... :::gasp:::.... LIGHTEN my hair.
Well shit it can't get any more fried than it is now, after my I-Want-Curly-Hair-I-Shall-Give-Myself-A-Perm tantrum that has left me with a head full of fried and frizzy mess than now takes 2 hours to make shiny and beautiful again (as opposed to the straight hair I was born with, that took 45 SECONDS.....). I'm not thinking bleach or anything -- shit, it would fall clean OUT of my head and you know I hate the Toehead world and everything it stands for anyhow.... I used to say "You're only as beautiful as your hair is dark..."
But I've had black hair now for like umteen years, and my natural color is only a shade above black. I do believe that it's the best color with my skin and eyes -- but I've been a little lighter many years ago and it didn't suck.
I have Spring Fever. I have it bad.
Since I can't get any cool new haircuts (the ends die and break off daily, despite the intense treatments I immerse my poor burned-up tresses in) I'm thinking it's time for a MINOR COLOR CHANGE, then a little lighter and a little lighter as the weather steadily gets warmer -- so will my hair color.
If you've known me over like 5 years you've seen it -- NOT HIGHLIGHTS, but my whole head. Opinions? Anyone think I was just born to be Raven-Haired and I am just going stir crazy? Or is this a good idea?
Because, well, perming it was NOT a good idea and I made that decision SOLO. So I need help with this one.
Help.
I'm thinking of dumping a vat of Olive Oil into my hair. Nothing is helping. :-(
Feroni -- OUT.
I think I'm going to.... :::gasp:::.... LIGHTEN my hair.
Well shit it can't get any more fried than it is now, after my I-Want-Curly-Hair-I-Shall-Give-Myself-A-Perm tantrum that has left me with a head full of fried and frizzy mess than now takes 2 hours to make shiny and beautiful again (as opposed to the straight hair I was born with, that took 45 SECONDS.....). I'm not thinking bleach or anything -- shit, it would fall clean OUT of my head and you know I hate the Toehead world and everything it stands for anyhow.... I used to say "You're only as beautiful as your hair is dark..."
But I've had black hair now for like umteen years, and my natural color is only a shade above black. I do believe that it's the best color with my skin and eyes -- but I've been a little lighter many years ago and it didn't suck.
I have Spring Fever. I have it bad.
Since I can't get any cool new haircuts (the ends die and break off daily, despite the intense treatments I immerse my poor burned-up tresses in) I'm thinking it's time for a MINOR COLOR CHANGE, then a little lighter and a little lighter as the weather steadily gets warmer -- so will my hair color.
If you've known me over like 5 years you've seen it -- NOT HIGHLIGHTS, but my whole head. Opinions? Anyone think I was just born to be Raven-Haired and I am just going stir crazy? Or is this a good idea?
Because, well, perming it was NOT a good idea and I made that decision SOLO. So I need help with this one.
Help.
I'm thinking of dumping a vat of Olive Oil into my hair. Nothing is helping. :-(
Feroni -- OUT.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Chapter 33 - Breaking News
It is with great Disbelief that I say this aloud, but it’s true, and I have to...
I’m in love!
Where or how this happened I have not much of an idea, I really kinda’ woke up one morning and looked at him and just realized -- I love this man!
I’ve yet to be treated this well in the 12 or so years I’ve been old enough to date.
I’ve never been respected as much either, to get right down to it.
He makes me feel like I am the sexiest woman on Earth.
He’s affectionate without suffocating me. He’s EXTREMELY affectionate but I never feel like he is overdoing it. He doesn’t stand there and constantly reiterate the standard compliments.... it’s not fake... he means every word and every gesture.
This guy loves me -- it’s ridiculous how amazing this relationship is.
I can talk about ANYTHING with him.
He’s my best friend. (That’s not to say he replaces Dawnie, she’s number one, always and forever... LOL... but honestly, besides my girls, I can tell him anything, confide in him, he would help me with anything I ever needed in the world.... and vice versa for sure. WE are best friends.)
Too much women sell ourselves short and settle for less than we deserve -- I didn’t settle this time. No way Jose.
The best thing is something I’ve always said, time and time again, that I really really wanted and believed in...... he does not "complete" me...... he COMPLIMENTS me. I am my own person and I stand on my own, as does he. We COMPLIMENT each others’ lives but we still have our own identities. I am not dependent on him for my happiness, and my world continues to spin no matter where he is -- but then when we are together it’s just so calm and pleasing and warm and comfortable. We spend a lot of time together, but never argue. We don’t have to agree on everything, either, but we don’t argue. I have no idea how we do it but this relationship takes ZERO work -- from day one it has been easy, things have just happened naturally and perfectly.
I am a hothead and I tend to overreact -- he is very calm and easygoing. He evens me out.
We are like Peanut Butter and Jelly!
This is exactly what I thought I would never have in my life but it’s what everyone wishes for.
George once said to me, "A single mom has a better chance of being hit by a Terrorist than finding a great relationship". Or something along those lines.
Guess what buddy?
Osama can kiss my ass.... I beat the odds :-)
I have other great things happening right now too but since I am already floating from writing all this shit down, I’m going to save that for another day, since I can make a WHOLE other entry out of JUST the IRS "Form 656" and how I am about to LEGALLY get out of (again, all credited back to said friend George)the trouble I am currently in with them. Whoever said that "Death and Taxes" were certain did not know about the Form 656...... it’s not a done deal yet but it sure looks like it will be when all is said and done.
And with that.... me and my Teething Miserable Baby Girl are going to retreat and go Na Nights for the evening....
Feroni -- OUT!
I’m in love!
Where or how this happened I have not much of an idea, I really kinda’ woke up one morning and looked at him and just realized -- I love this man!
I’ve yet to be treated this well in the 12 or so years I’ve been old enough to date.
I’ve never been respected as much either, to get right down to it.
He makes me feel like I am the sexiest woman on Earth.
He’s affectionate without suffocating me. He’s EXTREMELY affectionate but I never feel like he is overdoing it. He doesn’t stand there and constantly reiterate the standard compliments.... it’s not fake... he means every word and every gesture.
This guy loves me -- it’s ridiculous how amazing this relationship is.
I can talk about ANYTHING with him.
He’s my best friend. (That’s not to say he replaces Dawnie, she’s number one, always and forever... LOL... but honestly, besides my girls, I can tell him anything, confide in him, he would help me with anything I ever needed in the world.... and vice versa for sure. WE are best friends.)
Too much women sell ourselves short and settle for less than we deserve -- I didn’t settle this time. No way Jose.
The best thing is something I’ve always said, time and time again, that I really really wanted and believed in...... he does not "complete" me...... he COMPLIMENTS me. I am my own person and I stand on my own, as does he. We COMPLIMENT each others’ lives but we still have our own identities. I am not dependent on him for my happiness, and my world continues to spin no matter where he is -- but then when we are together it’s just so calm and pleasing and warm and comfortable. We spend a lot of time together, but never argue. We don’t have to agree on everything, either, but we don’t argue. I have no idea how we do it but this relationship takes ZERO work -- from day one it has been easy, things have just happened naturally and perfectly.
I am a hothead and I tend to overreact -- he is very calm and easygoing. He evens me out.
We are like Peanut Butter and Jelly!
This is exactly what I thought I would never have in my life but it’s what everyone wishes for.
George once said to me, "A single mom has a better chance of being hit by a Terrorist than finding a great relationship". Or something along those lines.
Guess what buddy?
Osama can kiss my ass.... I beat the odds :-)
I have other great things happening right now too but since I am already floating from writing all this shit down, I’m going to save that for another day, since I can make a WHOLE other entry out of JUST the IRS "Form 656" and how I am about to LEGALLY get out of (again, all credited back to said friend George)the trouble I am currently in with them. Whoever said that "Death and Taxes" were certain did not know about the Form 656...... it’s not a done deal yet but it sure looks like it will be when all is said and done.
And with that.... me and my Teething Miserable Baby Girl are going to retreat and go Na Nights for the evening....
Feroni -- OUT!
Friday, March 14, 2008
Chapter 32 - Let Go Of My Belt
It’s so FRUSTRATING!
It’s like I am trying to break into a full-on sprint. I’m breaking away, running into the comfort of a wonderful and cozy place. I’m almost there so I try to speed up.... and someone is holding me by the back of my belt. FIRMLY. I can’t break out of their grip and I am STARING at the total happiness of this place but I JUST -- CAN’T -- REACH IT......
A lot of things are just so HAPPY in my life right now! I have the most AMAZING daughter -- she lights up entire ROOMS with her smile, she’s intelligent, she’s fun, I get to teach her things, and she is just amazing. I found, by accident, this wonderful man who treats me the way your mom tells you that you should be treated when you’re young and get your first Heartbreak. I have a few very close friends who I trust and can count on to be loyal and honest and true to the bitter end. I really have a lot of the things that make a life beautiful. Shiny and happy. I feel an R.E.M. song coming on.
But one after the other after the other there become these Speed Bumps. Combined with the looming Background Noise that I am in a really large financial hole. Larger than I can talk about in public, just believe me that anyone reading this isn’t going to compare with it. It’s ridiculous. It’s self-induced, a mistake I made knowingly that I am going to pay for the rest of my life. I’m considering Chapter 7..... it would alleviate a lot of it...... and I definitley qualify.
Another big one, the whole Ex thing with the Child Support Refusal. I’m drowning. I went to Court, I got the paperwork for it, and I filled it out -- however, Donnie couldn’t be bothered to put himself on Adriana’s Birth Certificate when she was born (we filled it out at the Hospital, but they lost it, and called to ask us to come back in right after she was born and just SIGN it but his response was "I don’t have the time for that shit" and she was given a Birth Certificate with only me on it). You cannot start a Court Proceeding for Child Support with no Father on the Certificate. He just finally signed the papers TODAY, because I told him he wasn’t leaving here with the baby until he did. I have Sole Custody right now. Thank God.
Then we have his lovely psycho sister, who has faked through calling herself my Friend for a long time now...... and without recounting details that I am too weary to go through, she started a whole Shitstorm for me yesterday purposely, and I mean started a HUGE fiasco. Got a bunch of friends involved, then got Donnie involved, just made life a living hell for me the last day and a half. On purpose. Ain’t she sweet? All I wanted was for her and I to agree to not fake a friendship any longer. Go our seperate ways. It didn’t work that way.
Today I have an appointment to deal with the ugly fact that I don’t have Health Insurance and NEED IT. I’ve only been back to the doctor once since Adriana was born because of that fact. I really need to go. Hopefully after today I’ll be a step closer to having Insurance again. THEN I have to deal with Adriana’s, which runs out 3 days before her next Doctor Visit. I would love to get a job back in sales, my chosen field, but I can’t afford 400 bucks a month for a babysitter and we all know Don won’t help me with that expense. So I have to wait until we’re done with Court to do that. It sucks.
So I’m standing at the edge of happiness with someone holding the back of my belt.... LET GO FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a week. I really just want it to end. Maybe tonight the weekend will start for me. I really can’t stand some of the people I’ve had to deal with the last 2 days. Hate is a strong word but I’m using it.
Here’s to a good weekend. And getting rid of the last of the Drama Causing agents in my life. I think I effectively now have NO DRAMA QUEENS left in my life. How nice would that be.....
Feroni -- OUT!
It’s like I am trying to break into a full-on sprint. I’m breaking away, running into the comfort of a wonderful and cozy place. I’m almost there so I try to speed up.... and someone is holding me by the back of my belt. FIRMLY. I can’t break out of their grip and I am STARING at the total happiness of this place but I JUST -- CAN’T -- REACH IT......
A lot of things are just so HAPPY in my life right now! I have the most AMAZING daughter -- she lights up entire ROOMS with her smile, she’s intelligent, she’s fun, I get to teach her things, and she is just amazing. I found, by accident, this wonderful man who treats me the way your mom tells you that you should be treated when you’re young and get your first Heartbreak. I have a few very close friends who I trust and can count on to be loyal and honest and true to the bitter end. I really have a lot of the things that make a life beautiful. Shiny and happy. I feel an R.E.M. song coming on.
But one after the other after the other there become these Speed Bumps. Combined with the looming Background Noise that I am in a really large financial hole. Larger than I can talk about in public, just believe me that anyone reading this isn’t going to compare with it. It’s ridiculous. It’s self-induced, a mistake I made knowingly that I am going to pay for the rest of my life. I’m considering Chapter 7..... it would alleviate a lot of it...... and I definitley qualify.
Another big one, the whole Ex thing with the Child Support Refusal. I’m drowning. I went to Court, I got the paperwork for it, and I filled it out -- however, Donnie couldn’t be bothered to put himself on Adriana’s Birth Certificate when she was born (we filled it out at the Hospital, but they lost it, and called to ask us to come back in right after she was born and just SIGN it but his response was "I don’t have the time for that shit" and she was given a Birth Certificate with only me on it). You cannot start a Court Proceeding for Child Support with no Father on the Certificate. He just finally signed the papers TODAY, because I told him he wasn’t leaving here with the baby until he did. I have Sole Custody right now. Thank God.
Then we have his lovely psycho sister, who has faked through calling herself my Friend for a long time now...... and without recounting details that I am too weary to go through, she started a whole Shitstorm for me yesterday purposely, and I mean started a HUGE fiasco. Got a bunch of friends involved, then got Donnie involved, just made life a living hell for me the last day and a half. On purpose. Ain’t she sweet? All I wanted was for her and I to agree to not fake a friendship any longer. Go our seperate ways. It didn’t work that way.
Today I have an appointment to deal with the ugly fact that I don’t have Health Insurance and NEED IT. I’ve only been back to the doctor once since Adriana was born because of that fact. I really need to go. Hopefully after today I’ll be a step closer to having Insurance again. THEN I have to deal with Adriana’s, which runs out 3 days before her next Doctor Visit. I would love to get a job back in sales, my chosen field, but I can’t afford 400 bucks a month for a babysitter and we all know Don won’t help me with that expense. So I have to wait until we’re done with Court to do that. It sucks.
So I’m standing at the edge of happiness with someone holding the back of my belt.... LET GO FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a week. I really just want it to end. Maybe tonight the weekend will start for me. I really can’t stand some of the people I’ve had to deal with the last 2 days. Hate is a strong word but I’m using it.
Here’s to a good weekend. And getting rid of the last of the Drama Causing agents in my life. I think I effectively now have NO DRAMA QUEENS left in my life. How nice would that be.....
Feroni -- OUT!
Monday, February 25, 2008
Chapter 31 - Brace Yourself for the Gay Blog
Not Gay, as in, Homosexual. Gay in the sense people use it to mean "Overly Sappy". I have no idea why we use the word Gay for that. Maybe it's a derivitive of the other meaning of Gay -- REALLY HAPPY.
If you know me, you know I've gotten more and more jaded over the years and at this point I'm a lost cause for the whole Romanticism thing. What I used to really want and went after - that whole romantically-sweet-touchy-feely-lovey-dovey-crapola - I slowly grew to despise, and got to the point where the idea of Love made me nauseous and two people holding hands made me wanna yell, "GET A ROOM!"
ANNNNND within the last 2 weeks or so, I know I wrote something about something I thought was pretty cool but specifically explained NOT to get congratulatory because of course ALL good things have their Evil Side. I figured I would get a little bit of goodness out of something that ultimately was probably another big Lie in disguise -- one more Douchebag to talk about when he was gone.
Now I don't let people in easily, and I test the shit out of them when they ARE trying to get in.... I go in from the beginning with doubts, I am negative, and ultimately it COULD totally be ME keeping them at arms length that ruins everything but I haven't seen anything worth trusting or letting in this far so why would I bother? At least that is how I've seen it.
Fast Forward to where I am now.... and like James Brown, Mama's got a brand new bag.....
Here's ME, the scared one, I meet this dood, who is really attractive, who is a musician, who works out 4 days a week (with a trainer), body like you don't even know, has all his shit together, and THAT RIGHT THERE usually all means TROUBLE - BIG TROUBLE. Words come to mind like Player, Douchebag, Manwhore, also Narcissistic, Cocky, User, Liar... should I go on? I've already been there, done that, and as much as it was nice chit-chatting with him those first few hours I knew I was probably playing with Fire.
I played anyhow this time.
And guess what?
THAT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH!!!
THIS is a guy who borders on PERFECTION. Not Perfection, as in, he's perfect, because NO ONE is perfect -- although I do believe that someone can be PERFECT FOR another. And that is what I found.
I like EVERYTHING about him. There's nothing I would change. That in itself is odd.... but it's true. For example -- he is really nice to me, he says really nice things to me, but only when he thinks them. He means it all. He doesn't kiss my ass.... he doesn't constantly tell me I'm gorgeous, I'm beautiful, doesn't say I look amazing 4 or 5 times a day..... THAT IS ASS KISSING. It is INSINCERE! Everything he says is what he thinks and it's genuine. I don't have a worry in the world. I trust him (so far.... of course that's my hardest move, trusting people, so I'm reserved in that respect but for the most part I do... I really do)... he isn't up my ass, he doesn't call me 8 times in a day, but I see a lot of him. He's not suffocating me, but he is HERE and he's never far away. He is thoughtful -- but he doesn't do everything for me. My independence is FULLY INTACT! I don't have to give up my independent side to him, at all. He doesn't seem to mind it. But he is there for me... I don't feel alone, but I can STAND alone as my own person. Make sense? Ya' still with me? Good.
I'm a tough cookie -- I met my match. He is easy going -- without being a pushover! He won't let anyone walk all over him and it's apparent BUT he isn't overbearing -- he's not an asshole.
We share interests -- all the major ones -- and I NEED a man around who is as into music as I am, or nothing works. Passion for Music is my number one in life really (next to Adriana who it should be assumed is my Number One at all times -- but she gets her own Blogs, LOLOL), and to have someone around who shares that Passion is so awesome. SO AWESOME.
Some women have to have a Pushover. A guy who they can walk all over and boss around. I hate those guys. I need a manly man..... but not so manly that he takes charge of my whole life and makes my decisions for me. I don't like guys who won't let me pay for something, buy a round at the bar, DO SOMETHING for the both of us..... I hate that. I am independent, I can do things for others, but at the same time I do like to know that I have a guy with me who also has the ability and desire to take care of his girl.
HAPPY MEDIUM.
Happy medium is the best EVER!!! Take care of me, but don't smother me. Compliment where it's due, but don't overcompliment. Be there for me -- but don't try to run my life. Spend time with me -- but don't steal every one of my spare minutes!
I wanted all that and I JUST KNEW it didn't exist and BAM!!! HERE I AM!
And I am one happy bitch.
The other part of this is something I never had happen before -- I might be trumpeting this all out because it's high time I talked about it -- BUT -- you know that STUPID feeling at the beginning of a relationship where you feel all crazy goofy lovesick... like your head spins and you spend every waking moment with the person and then BAMMMM! That shit ends. Well I DON'T FEEL LIKE THAT!!! It's NOT that goofy dumb beginning storybook thing, at all. It just feels RIGHT to me. That is the best word for it -- it works, it's easy, and it's RIGHT. It's not some idealistic bullshit that I'm caught up in for the time being until something else comes along that is better, either -- and with every guy I've met this year I have felt that way. I would go somewhere and see a guy or a couple and I would feel like THAT was more what I wanted. Like I could've done better. But now I am so satisfied, fulfilled..... I don't envy anything anyone else has, in fact, I feel bad for a lot of folks who don't have what we do. You could NOT offer me anything better than what I have!
In closing.... I would normally be saying right now, "I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.... I'm waiting for the catch.... I'm waiting for the big drawback...." But I'm not saying that. I'm not even THINKING IT at this point. I know that this is exactly it -- I already know what I'm getting, there's no hidden Douchebaggery! And I truly, wholeheartedly believe that.
If he turns Douchebag -- I turn LESBIAN. REAL FAST!
But it's not happening. I am happier than I've EVER been right now and I can't wait to get up every morning and see what the next day brings. I'm warm and content and just totally EXCITED about life. I still have a lot of challenges and a few things in my life that are NOT very good right now, pretty hard things I'm dealing with -- but I'm dealing with them one at a time, and it's SO much easier to deal with life's little curveballs when you are fulfilled in your other facets of life. Between Adriana, my friends, my fam, and my Other Half, I am all set to tackle whatever life tosses my way. And I know that.
I know, I know.... totally a GAY BLOG.... I'm being totally mushy and soft. But man, that is how I am feeling right now. And I had to just shout about it.
"I'm so excited... and I just can't hide it... I'm about to lose control and I think I like it....." Ha ha ha :-)
FERONI -- OUT!!!!
If you know me, you know I've gotten more and more jaded over the years and at this point I'm a lost cause for the whole Romanticism thing. What I used to really want and went after - that whole romantically-sweet-touchy-feely-lovey-dovey-crapola - I slowly grew to despise, and got to the point where the idea of Love made me nauseous and two people holding hands made me wanna yell, "GET A ROOM!"
ANNNNND within the last 2 weeks or so, I know I wrote something about something I thought was pretty cool but specifically explained NOT to get congratulatory because of course ALL good things have their Evil Side. I figured I would get a little bit of goodness out of something that ultimately was probably another big Lie in disguise -- one more Douchebag to talk about when he was gone.
Now I don't let people in easily, and I test the shit out of them when they ARE trying to get in.... I go in from the beginning with doubts, I am negative, and ultimately it COULD totally be ME keeping them at arms length that ruins everything but I haven't seen anything worth trusting or letting in this far so why would I bother? At least that is how I've seen it.
Fast Forward to where I am now.... and like James Brown, Mama's got a brand new bag.....
Here's ME, the scared one, I meet this dood, who is really attractive, who is a musician, who works out 4 days a week (with a trainer), body like you don't even know, has all his shit together, and THAT RIGHT THERE usually all means TROUBLE - BIG TROUBLE. Words come to mind like Player, Douchebag, Manwhore, also Narcissistic, Cocky, User, Liar... should I go on? I've already been there, done that, and as much as it was nice chit-chatting with him those first few hours I knew I was probably playing with Fire.
I played anyhow this time.
And guess what?
THAT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH!!!
THIS is a guy who borders on PERFECTION. Not Perfection, as in, he's perfect, because NO ONE is perfect -- although I do believe that someone can be PERFECT FOR another. And that is what I found.
I like EVERYTHING about him. There's nothing I would change. That in itself is odd.... but it's true. For example -- he is really nice to me, he says really nice things to me, but only when he thinks them. He means it all. He doesn't kiss my ass.... he doesn't constantly tell me I'm gorgeous, I'm beautiful, doesn't say I look amazing 4 or 5 times a day..... THAT IS ASS KISSING. It is INSINCERE! Everything he says is what he thinks and it's genuine. I don't have a worry in the world. I trust him (so far.... of course that's my hardest move, trusting people, so I'm reserved in that respect but for the most part I do... I really do)... he isn't up my ass, he doesn't call me 8 times in a day, but I see a lot of him. He's not suffocating me, but he is HERE and he's never far away. He is thoughtful -- but he doesn't do everything for me. My independence is FULLY INTACT! I don't have to give up my independent side to him, at all. He doesn't seem to mind it. But he is there for me... I don't feel alone, but I can STAND alone as my own person. Make sense? Ya' still with me? Good.
I'm a tough cookie -- I met my match. He is easy going -- without being a pushover! He won't let anyone walk all over him and it's apparent BUT he isn't overbearing -- he's not an asshole.
We share interests -- all the major ones -- and I NEED a man around who is as into music as I am, or nothing works. Passion for Music is my number one in life really (next to Adriana who it should be assumed is my Number One at all times -- but she gets her own Blogs, LOLOL), and to have someone around who shares that Passion is so awesome. SO AWESOME.
Some women have to have a Pushover. A guy who they can walk all over and boss around. I hate those guys. I need a manly man..... but not so manly that he takes charge of my whole life and makes my decisions for me. I don't like guys who won't let me pay for something, buy a round at the bar, DO SOMETHING for the both of us..... I hate that. I am independent, I can do things for others, but at the same time I do like to know that I have a guy with me who also has the ability and desire to take care of his girl.
HAPPY MEDIUM.
Happy medium is the best EVER!!! Take care of me, but don't smother me. Compliment where it's due, but don't overcompliment. Be there for me -- but don't try to run my life. Spend time with me -- but don't steal every one of my spare minutes!
I wanted all that and I JUST KNEW it didn't exist and BAM!!! HERE I AM!
And I am one happy bitch.
The other part of this is something I never had happen before -- I might be trumpeting this all out because it's high time I talked about it -- BUT -- you know that STUPID feeling at the beginning of a relationship where you feel all crazy goofy lovesick... like your head spins and you spend every waking moment with the person and then BAMMMM! That shit ends. Well I DON'T FEEL LIKE THAT!!! It's NOT that goofy dumb beginning storybook thing, at all. It just feels RIGHT to me. That is the best word for it -- it works, it's easy, and it's RIGHT. It's not some idealistic bullshit that I'm caught up in for the time being until something else comes along that is better, either -- and with every guy I've met this year I have felt that way. I would go somewhere and see a guy or a couple and I would feel like THAT was more what I wanted. Like I could've done better. But now I am so satisfied, fulfilled..... I don't envy anything anyone else has, in fact, I feel bad for a lot of folks who don't have what we do. You could NOT offer me anything better than what I have!
In closing.... I would normally be saying right now, "I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.... I'm waiting for the catch.... I'm waiting for the big drawback...." But I'm not saying that. I'm not even THINKING IT at this point. I know that this is exactly it -- I already know what I'm getting, there's no hidden Douchebaggery! And I truly, wholeheartedly believe that.
If he turns Douchebag -- I turn LESBIAN. REAL FAST!
But it's not happening. I am happier than I've EVER been right now and I can't wait to get up every morning and see what the next day brings. I'm warm and content and just totally EXCITED about life. I still have a lot of challenges and a few things in my life that are NOT very good right now, pretty hard things I'm dealing with -- but I'm dealing with them one at a time, and it's SO much easier to deal with life's little curveballs when you are fulfilled in your other facets of life. Between Adriana, my friends, my fam, and my Other Half, I am all set to tackle whatever life tosses my way. And I know that.
I know, I know.... totally a GAY BLOG.... I'm being totally mushy and soft. But man, that is how I am feeling right now. And I had to just shout about it.
"I'm so excited... and I just can't hide it... I'm about to lose control and I think I like it....." Ha ha ha :-)
FERONI -- OUT!!!!
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